i want you,
to be my beginning, and
i want you,
to be my only ending.

and i want every-us
in between.

nadi aku seperti mahu berhenti.

dan jantung aku seperti juga enggan lagi berdetak.

hati aku juga seperti sudah mahu mati.

apa lagi?

aku sendiri masih tercari.

Tuhan,

aku penat.

dalam tubuh sendiri.

dalam akal sendiri.

dalam jiwa sendiri.

dalam rasa sendiri.

Tuhan,

hentikan semua.

aku sudah hilang pedoman.

been writing too much.

been exposing too much.

been stupid too long.

i can't be sad or happy,
i tend to fall into an
unknown territory, where
the only allowed feeling to feel
is pain.

how can i still stand in

a space that has so many gravities

pulling me in every direction?

i do not understand.

and,

yet, how can i be such a

non - equilibrium being that keep

falling into an insignificant space,

hitting every existing wall,

and making a bigger

insignificant space to fall into?

i do not understand.

it is hard to be happy,
i don't know what
went wrong,
or what it is that is wrong,

i can't steer the handle.

saturdays were the worst

                             -Park

mondays were the best

                      -Eleanor

maybe,
we are not meant to be together,
to go to the movie,
to giggle over each other's stupid jokes,
to look into each other eyes,
to share one favourite sweater,
to wear the same colour of shirts,
to swoon over someone handsome,
to curse over someone we hate,
to fight over a blanket,
to being a sister to each other,
to being a bitch to each other,

maybe,
we are meant not to meet each other at the first place

how does it feel to mourn over someone?

how does it feel to have someone walk out from your life?

how does it feel to not be loved from someone you love?

how does it feel to feel alone in a crowded room?

how does it feel?

i don't know,

i don't feel anymore,

do you ever think of going and diving deep 

into my complexity 

as much as i thirst

to taste a bit of your complexness?

i know,

you don't.

kecamuk.

did i ever mention that i love this girl so much i think im addicted to her just like im addicted to my sweet creamy chocolate smoothie?

sungguh aku ingin tahu

betapa besar tempat aku

dalam hati milik kamu?

hingga kita hilang semua

dan sepi, sesepi lari mata

milik kamu dan aku

sumpah, aku berjiwa kelana

sejak ratusan hari dulu

 

akal aku kecamuk,

juga hati aku kecamuk,

segala isi dalam tubuh aku,

kecamuk.

kamu?

jugakah kecamuk?