ommooooooo kija banyak...

it got burnt, darling.

how abruptly absent minded we, maybe i, could be, when you are now seem like a stranger crossing the road when the traffic is red,from knowing to unknowing. Surprisingly, how unfamiliar,unsettled, and anxious it is to move on

from a chapter that you, once time ago, about not too long, had very much determination and excitement to venture into its every line and word, to be involved in every conflict and moment,

and there it was, last paragraph: you thought you'll make it, then the book..pufff got burnt. You

started its beginning but never closed enough to make to its ending. How would the ending would

be, if..... and the daresay continues with all possibilities.

and believe me, reading the first word of a new chapter could be nothing more than thousands pieces of glasses attached to your heart and forcing it to pump the blood so that your brain could still give proper instructions to the body not to slum yourself  into a female's typical-self-prep when it comes to emotions and feelings. 

 

i miss this time.
i was at my happiest.

August is already here babe!
oh my god how time do fly! left us with few months for 9 days of adventure.as i believe it would be,as, well, being us, we'll pack and go with very little amount of money for such.. many days! we just absolutely don't care, what will happen there will happen, preparing an umbrella before the rain isn't needed( how reckless this is) just pray for us, let it be the safe one :)

today is that kind of today.

today is it. that kind of day.
tired with my kids.
tired with my job.
tired with myself.
i need sleep.
long hours of sleep.
grant me that.

overthinking.

for everything,
you said that, overthinking.

if you were to see the real happenings of what you said overthinking,
maybe you too, would choose sympathy.

and of that, overthinking is better,
not caring is better.

I've gotten used to live my life alone. I lived my childhood alone, my ravaged teen years alone and half of the adulthood alone. I walked many difficult paths alone, solitary war between me and life. I was not like many,yet I believed many were like me, it was just we were the unknown, who never had the luxury of having people to offer us an umbrella when the rain fell hard, I got rained all over. I lived my young life with struggle that loneliness and love will be the last two things that I would need, and I won, being alone and I proved life I was not lonely. I took my life in a direction it was supposed to be, even some part did get swayed away but I managed.

Now I am here, in my middle 20s,
Sometimes, I'm not very sure of my self. When it comes to personal matters, my confidence dims like a moon far away. I need you to understand that. I have insecurities, embedded in many parts of my life. I need you to understand that. I have past scars,permanently and perfectly tattooed , I couldn't get rid of them no matter how much I try, the only choice left is to make peace and live together guarded by a thin line of sanity to keep my mind sane enough. I need you to understand that.

I'm used to be alone, not having my decisions and feelings attach to others. Attachment is something strange and unfamiliar cell that suddenly twists the way how my brain usually functions. I become someone unfamiliar to my self, I feel trapped in a labyrinth to get to know you. It is a maze I lost myself. I need you to see me the way I am but you built the wall so solidly strong and high, I hurt myself more each time I try to put force against it. I need you to tell me, we'll walk through this, I need you to understand.

But I get it, you won't. and that's okay.

i don't know how to trust people that come into my life.
i don't easily do that.

but if you want to run, run.
far away.

you don't have to deal with this.