semalam mimp g jepun.


takpala hati, sabar kejap.
i can't travel for awhile.
my mom comes first over traveling.

may Allah ease everything.

god.
i'm dying.
help me help me help me

we can't have everything.
we can't.

sakit.
nak balik rumah.

look at those happy elephants, 

aren't you jealous?

apakah hati?
aku sendiri pun sudah perit mahu memahami.

apa?
apa?
apa?

so i have this little habit lately.
looking at people around me intensely,
like really looking at them and try to discover,
what is it behind that sweet smile, or tired eyes,
kind of searching in their glimpses when they walk if
they are happy.. or maybe sad..or maybe just living the day 
till they meet tomorrow.
and try to look deeper in my routines.
my life. the meaning behind everything.

i kind of stuck. 
it feels like walking on burning fire one second and freezing
to death cold ice the next. 
it's hard. it's hard to tell myself it's going to be okay. . 
sleep is the only thing i know how to stop 
everything from working their ways to poke my sanity.


why does it feel so hard to live...?

read everyone's old posts because i miss the old times.
kind of regretting my decision that i deleted my 
posts in 2009 up to 2011. those were the years that i wrote the most,
almost everyday for three years,
mostly happy memories with new life i just found,
new friends, new best friends, a growing up girl being told in words by herself.
a bright, shiny, all-smile-me wrapped in sunshine.
ohh if i could restore them back.
don't delete guys, don't, no matter how hard you think the 
life crisis of the moment.
now can't peek into that one part of my old self.

my job is killing me. 
nothing joyful about it, nothing exciting.
almost nothingness, numb.
and it kills me, slowly, painfully, boringly. 
i really, really, don't want to sound ungrateful,
when i am nothing else but very much grateful with 
what i have, but... oh god...
i don't know what i'm doing with my life.

missing Malacca a little bit too much today. this was taken last year.
our first trip together, somewhere a little far from our usual.
approximately an hour far. there were a mixture, all sort of feelings, butterflies in one soul for one day trip. 
i want a happy ending, i want to believe in it.
i do, but why..it is hard? 
the whole universe knows how big this love of mine is,
but why can't i believe it?
that i too, deserve one big huge happy life.

I do need to sort my pictures.
Put them in folders.
Rearrange my work.
Start doing them one by one.
Have a break.
Then, continue.

But no,
I'm procrastinating.