on relationship.

i crossed upon a couple who adore each other. they are pretty much like a bee and a flower.
easy.simple.comfortable. despite they too might have problems of their own.
i have always wishing, longing for that kind of relationship. comfortable. understanding.
but i guess i am a no one to ask or deserve that. as it's getting real hard these days.
it's never about a distance or how much romance you put in it.
it's more about an effort, to keep the relationship going, to keep each other happy.
as fun is fading. as romance is never there at the first place.as love is like a crumple pie. it's an effort.
how enough i should be to deserve an effort?how hard it is to make an effort? it has always been my biggest question.



i think i know the answer.
i think i've always knew the answer.
but im denying myself.

but why at the first place,
you asked me the question.
why did you make me flatter,
when all you have is hesitation.

and im telling myself.
it's okay.
when..really,
it's not.

It is September now, how time flies.
It means , it has been almost 9 months I'm back (for good I hope),
things change in a way I least imagined it before.
Definitely, there are some goods things happened no matter how
much I feel bad about everything.
Too much negativity huh?
Trying myself to beat the norm.
Positivity is a state of mind, and my mind is no where near that,
thus, the struggle is hard.
Working and hoping for a better me soon.

to a future me,

i want you to know that you are strong despite of sleepless nights, despite of emotional baggage that rips off the peace in your soul, that everything is out of place, that everything doesn't do you any favour. i want you to know that you are one hell strong woman. keep it that way.

why it's so difficult?
is it my mind?
or does it my attitude?
why?
why does it need to feel like,
it's easier to kill me than working on it?
why?
what is it that i can't force myself to set my mind to just freaking do it...

Last year (up till today) , I can conclude that what we wanted most , somehow, in most twisted faith, you won't get it, but in another absurd  twisted faith (too), you'll get what you avoid the most. if we viewed this form a positive side, this should teach you the word 'redha',grow you as a person, make you stronger and more-whatever- positive- shit that should come from this , but from the opposite view, FUCK this.

this pull and push thing between us is bad.

trying to float positively when negativity keeps drowning me.
breathe.