6 days to my first trip. and it's during winter!
see you soon!

less than one month before the big day (nah i'm not getting married or engaged or anything) but for this coming 12 December. seriously can't wait (despite of i do feel a bit worry..lot actually) hopefully everything would be just fine. will celebrate Liya's birthday too. lucky B huh liya! ;)

let's keep the happy thing there. it's not happening yet,
yet soon enough

those who work with mice are so lucky.
human have too many bullshits to deal with.

rimas.

am i lying to myself?

everyone, at one point, will eventually leave. don't you think?
we have bigger commitments await, more important person to attend to, raising up new family, looking for new adventure, whatever it is, we leave.

we leave the life that we said the best time of all, we leave the saddest part of us that we never thought will ever end, we leave, we move on.

i think that's what life is just all about. we don't walk backward to ones that already became memories, one that once upon a time , we swore that we would live it forever, and i don't know why i feel sad;

that memories aren't really much real anymore,
that they will be forgotten for most of the time.

i can't write a single thing about you after knowing you.
it amazes me how much i used to write about you then.

something is just really confusing.

thinking about quitting my job.

yeah. it's just a vivid dream.
i wouldn't be dare enough to quit.

bro, got lots of things to pay.

who give you right to judge somebody's life?

coming back to work after three days of break really kills me.
i can't handle things anymore. too many and so little help.
keep telling myself i can do this. i can. what a lie.

                                and being me..i fall in love again, as i don't know how not to,
                                                                  

  Malacca, 9 October 2016

the first real shot, early morning, of something that is mine.

i like this one actually. obviously, i wasn't the one who took this. 

the rest of the pictures are beautiful as much as how i felt about the day. 

I'm struggling and juggling with my life, have been few months that I feel like I'm living in a tank that will be exploded soon and I'm going to sink in the water and die tragically. I know, I know, everyone does feel the same, but I can't take this anymore. I really don't know where to take my life to, and I, not sure anymore what I'm doing. Everything, every single of them is out of place, and I have no control over what happens in my life, I can't take over my feelings, I can't control the sadness that , somehow, always find its way to creep in and settle itself comfortably in my head. This is hard, and according to few articles I've been reading, I somehow, somewhere, in one way or another, have managed to make contact with depression.

I need to get out from this.

I need to save myself.

i think about the hardships and hurdles that i need to get through,
i forget to be grateful for the goods and blessings that have been granted to me.

My Lord,
forgive me for my sins.

how far would we run from our life if we are given the chances to do so?
would you run? or would you stay?

would thing be different if i do all those if..?

ommooooooo kija banyak...

it got burnt, darling.

how abruptly absent minded we, maybe i, could be, when you are now seem like a stranger crossing the road when the traffic is red,from knowing to unknowing. Surprisingly, how unfamiliar,unsettled, and anxious it is to move on

from a chapter that you, once time ago, about not too long, had very much determination and excitement to venture into its every line and word, to be involved in every conflict and moment,

and there it was, last paragraph: you thought you'll make it, then the book..pufff got burnt. You

started its beginning but never closed enough to make to its ending. How would the ending would

be, if..... and the daresay continues with all possibilities.

and believe me, reading the first word of a new chapter could be nothing more than thousands pieces of glasses attached to your heart and forcing it to pump the blood so that your brain could still give proper instructions to the body not to slum yourself  into a female's typical-self-prep when it comes to emotions and feelings. 

 

i miss this time.
i was at my happiest.

August is already here babe!
oh my god how time do fly! left us with few months for 9 days of adventure.as i believe it would be,as, well, being us, we'll pack and go with very little amount of money for such.. many days! we just absolutely don't care, what will happen there will happen, preparing an umbrella before the rain isn't needed( how reckless this is) just pray for us, let it be the safe one :)

today is that kind of today.

today is it. that kind of day.
tired with my kids.
tired with my job.
tired with myself.
i need sleep.
long hours of sleep.
grant me that.

overthinking.

for everything,
you said that, overthinking.

if you were to see the real happenings of what you said overthinking,
maybe you too, would choose sympathy.

and of that, overthinking is better,
not caring is better.

I've gotten used to live my life alone. I lived my childhood alone, my ravaged teen years alone and half of the adulthood alone. I walked many difficult paths alone, solitary war between me and life. I was not like many,yet I believed many were like me, it was just we were the unknown, who never had the luxury of having people to offer us an umbrella when the rain fell hard, I got rained all over. I lived my young life with struggle that loneliness and love will be the last two things that I would need, and I won, being alone and I proved life I was not lonely. I took my life in a direction it was supposed to be, even some part did get swayed away but I managed.

Now I am here, in my middle 20s,
Sometimes, I'm not very sure of my self. When it comes to personal matters, my confidence dims like a moon far away. I need you to understand that. I have insecurities, embedded in many parts of my life. I need you to understand that. I have past scars,permanently and perfectly tattooed , I couldn't get rid of them no matter how much I try, the only choice left is to make peace and live together guarded by a thin line of sanity to keep my mind sane enough. I need you to understand that.

I'm used to be alone, not having my decisions and feelings attach to others. Attachment is something strange and unfamiliar cell that suddenly twists the way how my brain usually functions. I become someone unfamiliar to my self, I feel trapped in a labyrinth to get to know you. It is a maze I lost myself. I need you to see me the way I am but you built the wall so solidly strong and high, I hurt myself more each time I try to put force against it. I need you to tell me, we'll walk through this, I need you to understand.

But I get it, you won't. and that's okay.

i don't know how to trust people that come into my life.
i don't easily do that.

but if you want to run, run.
far away.

you don't have to deal with this.

i wish i could stop working .
and travel, like all the time.

stressful life.

i want to be happy. i do.
i work for it. very hard.
i try. damn hard.
but life makes it impossible.
i don't even know which is better now,
giving up or keep trying.

too much thinking.
too little doing.

i will be going to somewhere by the end of this year with few of my friends (since the rest are tied to husbands-did-not-give-permission attachment ;p). the only thing this year that keeps me going (and kind of happy) is thinking about it, as well as writing up the itinerary. how alive am i while doing all the researches about the places, foods, and all related. god, i could work up till 7 hours without a break (imagine if i were to be this passionate on my career, i would be writing a book or doing PhD by now). hopefully the trip would be the safe one and we would enjoy every single second of it and maybe, getting lost here and there (can you feel the excitement?!)

on everything

it's hard for me lately.
everything. home. work. relationship in general. my life in general. it feels like everything is trying to knock me down, real hard.tears are constant company that sooth me to: i can do this, this is a small matter, there are thousands out there fighting in war just to keep them alive for another day, thousands outside of my world are fighting for a glass of clean water. this is small. i said to my self almost every morning, you'll feel great again tomorrow, but little did i know, this small matter, i let it consumes me. Rotting a part of me each day.

Wake up.Now.

kalau aku mampu bicara,
kau hanya akan lihat air mata.

entah la.

16 February,

my heart did break a little.



but it's ok.

terlalu banyak yang kita persoalkan.

gula yang manis.
nasi yang tawar.
langit yang cerah.
awan yang mendung.
jalan yang kosong.
rumah yang sesak.
dia yang gelap.
kucing yang kurap.

atau mungkin,
kita hanya perlu syukuri,
atas apa diberi hari ini.

keep on going.

even if you bleed.

such a pain in the ass.

breathe.

10 Januari 2016

hancur hati,


semoga apa lagi
harus aku tautkan pada hati?

2016.
is crazy.