what a fucking day to go through.

i am,
an ugly truth,
and you would run,
miles away,
before i could shred a
single tear.

there is time,
all i want just
to sleep,
with my insecurity,
and let it eats me.
because

i am tired of fighting.

mencari jawapan.
pada soalan yang tak wujud.

nyatanya
hati aku tak bisa
bedakan obsesi dan cinta
atau benar,
aku kedua-duanya
cinta dan obsesi

sudah berpurnama
jalan tidur tak sehaluan masa
seperti aku mundur ke belakang
masih belum punya tapak
ke depan
atau benarnya,
ia obsesi tak punya jawapan

buat aku dongak
ke langit
dengan jiwa yang sama
saat semua burung
telah terbang
ke benua lain

no.
time is not a cure.

hi dad.
i'll be better.
i'll be that young boy you told me.
i'm practising.
beating myself to be one.
it was too late that time,
i'm sorry, but i'll be better.
i hate you dad.
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry.

that i was too late.
that i was young.

that i ignored.

hi dad.
i miss you.

hi mom.
i'll see you real soon.

hi sis.
be happy.

hi bro.
be good.

hi sis.
i love you.

hi nephews.
i hate you all.

hi nieces.
miss me?

 

all i want.for this critical moment.
don't give up.

17 September.

i wish that the cloud was so white against the bluest sky,
as you look up, all you see is cloud.

Cloud.

the second thing that is very dear to
me would be words,but too sad,
i still searching if one day,
i could put words beautifully as
roses arrangement for dinner,
and at the same time my thought
on it is strong, as it ties the arrangement
neatly to be standing on the table.

it is depressing isn't it to compare what others are,

and what you are not,

or what they live with, and what you live without,

but, yeah life is such a bitch,

as your heart desires what can't be yours.

dream big?work hard?

good luck with that.

maybe after 40 years, you will make it,

the life of your dream.

as some people were born with it.

sorry for such negativity.

i guess i had such a bad day,

everything seems,not right,

and i have no one to pick a fight with.

good thing,
is happening.

well,
you know,
i smile.

because you never wanted to look deep into these eyes of mine,
to see what it was that bleed this heart of mine,
the sole reason behinds of many reasons.

that i lose you.

sometimes,
you could have thousand feelings, imagine million things, what would happen if certain things in life did not happen, what would it be if we took the chance or if we were not,
but at the end, nothing turn out to be what or how it supposedly be.
at the end, everything is just a blur motion. a plain blank motion.
and sometimes we are lost,
in between racing toward tomorrow and looking back at the past, in searching for who we are and what we are now, in determining who to love or who to hate, in making decision between a plate of chicken or a plate of beef. all we are just a little lost in between things,

sometimes.
it does make a difference.

remember?
the first time our eyes
made love to each other,
the beat of this heart
of mine
was crazy,
the uneven breathing
of getting the air into my
lung was,
crazy,
all was crazy,
all was chaotic,
but nothing less,
than beautiful,

you,
broke the contact,and
walked away.

leaving me with the
traces of love at first sight,
and i swear,
i lost in this maze map you left me
with.

i want you,
to be my beginning, and
i want you,
to be my only ending.

and i want every-us
in between.

nadi aku seperti mahu berhenti.

dan jantung aku seperti juga enggan lagi berdetak.

hati aku juga seperti sudah mahu mati.

apa lagi?

aku sendiri masih tercari.

Tuhan,

aku penat.

dalam tubuh sendiri.

dalam akal sendiri.

dalam jiwa sendiri.

dalam rasa sendiri.

Tuhan,

hentikan semua.

aku sudah hilang pedoman.

been writing too much.

been exposing too much.

been stupid too long.

i can't be sad or happy,
i tend to fall into an
unknown territory, where
the only allowed feeling to feel
is pain.

how can i still stand in

a space that has so many gravities

pulling me in every direction?

i do not understand.

and,

yet, how can i be such a

non - equilibrium being that keep

falling into an insignificant space,

hitting every existing wall,

and making a bigger

insignificant space to fall into?

i do not understand.

it is hard to be happy,
i don't know what
went wrong,
or what it is that is wrong,

i can't steer the handle.

saturdays were the worst

                             -Park

mondays were the best

                      -Eleanor

maybe,
we are not meant to be together,
to go to the movie,
to giggle over each other's stupid jokes,
to look into each other eyes,
to share one favourite sweater,
to wear the same colour of shirts,
to swoon over someone handsome,
to curse over someone we hate,
to fight over a blanket,
to being a sister to each other,
to being a bitch to each other,

maybe,
we are meant not to meet each other at the first place

how does it feel to mourn over someone?

how does it feel to have someone walk out from your life?

how does it feel to not be loved from someone you love?

how does it feel to feel alone in a crowded room?

how does it feel?

i don't know,

i don't feel anymore,

do you ever think of going and diving deep 

into my complexity 

as much as i thirst

to taste a bit of your complexness?

i know,

you don't.

kecamuk.

did i ever mention that i love this girl so much i think im addicted to her just like im addicted to my sweet creamy chocolate smoothie?

sungguh aku ingin tahu

betapa besar tempat aku

dalam hati milik kamu?

hingga kita hilang semua

dan sepi, sesepi lari mata

milik kamu dan aku

sumpah, aku berjiwa kelana

sejak ratusan hari dulu

 

akal aku kecamuk,

juga hati aku kecamuk,

segala isi dalam tubuh aku,

kecamuk.

kamu?

jugakah kecamuk?

you poke me,

i wreck your neck.

it is july,

and all i want is to be alone,

in my loneliness,and darkness,

and embracing every single miserable little thing that made me,

and sink deeper into my sadness,

and listen to sad songs,

and maybe few happy songs,

and walk down to the beach,

and lay down till sunset.

and all alone.

only me,

with my sadness,

as i feel very whole,that way.

hanya sekali,
untuk sekali,
lihat aku berdiri,
disini,
di tapak yang sama,
dengan renungan yang sama,
membawa degupan yang sama,

cuma lihat aku,
walau kau tak punya
rasa apa.

setia aku,
seperti hembus nafas kau
setiap saat dan setiap kali,
berada di setiap ruang antara
ruang kecil rusuk kau,
larut dalam salur darah
menghubung degup jantung
ke setiap organ tubuh kau,
berubahnya hitam rambut
ke putih uban,
sesama rentak nadi yang
selari rentak jantung,
setia aku,
seperti hidup hingga menemu mati,
cuma kau
belum masih mengerti.

i want:

darker skin colour
skinnier body
whiter teeth
smaller eyes
smirk-y smile
a set of genius brain
clothes
money
car

no,

i just want
to learn
how to be
grateful because
it is fucking
hard
to learn
they don't
teach the steps
and formulae at
school.

i am failing,
deeper.and lower.

i lied.
i am sorry.

things are philosophically painful.

so many dreams,
and so many plans,
we had left behind,

did you think about them?
somewhere between
your reading and day dream?

the best kind
of humans
are the
ones who stay.

r.m.drake

aku cuma mahu
lari
dari kenyataan
hidup.

obsession.

wear something fancy lacy sexy under those clothes,
always.

jika mereka bertanya,

akan aku jawab akan mereka,

tetap kau yang aku mahu,

dengan masa yang berlalu,

cuma kau,

yang belum pasti, masih ragu.

cuma kau.

terbang dan jatuh
terus tenggelam
terdalam tertanam.

aku,
begitu berpecah
dan berlerai.

I remember the small things about you,

the way you sleep
the way you fall asleep
the frown on your face when
you can't solve the problems
the silly smile when you too tired to try
the awkward laugh when you are on stage
the way you hold your books
that weird swing you always do with the pen
the hidden yawn everytime you are sleepy
the way you place your spectacle on the table
the move of you head when you listen to the Greenday
the humming you hum to Give Me Novacainne
the slow run around the lap
the chuckles you restraint when something's funny

and that smile, that eyes that never found me

snuggle with me?

aku punya soalan

buat kamu wahai pemerhati,

apa kamu gelisah

akan bagaimana aku

hidup akan hidup aku?

dan aku punya kata 

buat kamu wahai pemerhati,

simpan celaka kamu

dan diamkan saja celaka kamu

aku penat

dan kamu belum lihat binatang dalam aku,

lagi celaka dari celaka kamu,

maka diam bila aku kata akan,

sila diam.

sakit yang kau bagi aku,
buat aku keliru antara,
sayang dan benci,
buat aku lihat tenang dan api,
buat aku naik dan turun dalam memori dan sepi,
sakit yang kau bagi aku,
buat aku bunuh setiap hati,
yang mahu mendekati,
sebelum sempat memberi,

sakit yang kau bagi aku,
buat aku dekat pada setiap inci
benci,

The Fray - "How To Save A Life"

Where did I go wrong?

adakah kau juga seperti aku?
yang mahu beli akan masa.

aku kau kita apa

makna segala 

tiada akan menjadi

tentang apa

lalu mengapa

hilang tanpa

arah 

* gabungan penulis baru:

nurfarah wahidah

kita metafora,
terlalu ketara,
terlalu bahagia,
terlalu derita,
terlalu kita,

kita metafora,
yang bersepai.

pernah kau cuba merokok?

rasa sedutan pertama,
rasa sesak pertama,
rasa batuk pertama,
rasa zapp pertama,
rasa khayal pertama,

itu kau.

kata dia peduli apa kata orang,
lupa dia,aku tak segagah badang,
mau lucut semua kata dari telinga,
tepis semua bisa dari jiwa.

aku inginkan kau

cuma kau,

untuk aku tabur bunga cinta

untuk aku bait-baitkan janji setia

untuk aku jeling-jeling manja

untuk aku muncung-muncung benci,

dan hanya kau

aku mahu dalam setiap itu,

apakah punya rasa yang sama,
saat mata kau dan mata aku bertemu?
apakah punya benci yang sama?
atau apakah punya sayang yang sama?
saat kita berjalan berselisihan bahu?
apakah punya kosong rasa
atau apakah punya rindu yang sama?

apakah yang mungkin ada?
pada bibir yang tak lagi berbicara,
pada fikir yang tak lagi sama,
pada hati yang sudah jauh berantara,
pada mata yang berlari saat bisu kata,
pada cerita yang sudah bernoktah ternoda,

mungkin sudah hilang,
cuma aku masih mengenggam,
pada entah apa,

Someone like you & Rolling in the deep By Adele Live at the Royal Albert...

i love everything about this video,

the songs,

the audience,

the feelings,

the light,

the smiles,

the love.

i miss you,

and i want you to miss me back,

and i want you,

the you in the red shirt,

sitting in the middle of universe,

just eating the soup,

and looking up at me.

i want you who run the field,

like the lap is too big to be finished,

and the you,

who gasping the air,

while screaming my name,

the you who say nothing,

but understood well what's happening,

and nodding mischievously,

cause I understand the same thing too well,

i miss you,

and i want you to miss me back,

and i want you,

maybe not,

now you are the you wearing another coloured shirt,

the you who run too fast the lap isn't enough,

you will never again scream my name,

nor we understand the same thing.

Yang aku rasa,
Cuma dosa,
Untuk kali kedua.

aku belajar,
kawan tak perlu saling memahami,
muak,
atau untuk saling menyayangi,
khianat,
atau untuk selalu disisi,
sendiri,
tapi satu perlu, menghormati.

perlu. mesti.

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

because
hot fm keeps playing this song..
i kind of hate it yet kind of love it
and because tonight is simply killing me,deeply and
slowly..

and the fact that,
i hate what i am doing,
and i let others make my dream
to be the real stick right in my face..

my heart says,
padan muka kau,
padan..muka..kau.

i wish i could snap back,
to myself.

it is a thrill how you make me feel,

and how you let me dives in a fantasy on my own,

it is weird how you make me shiver

by the thought of you while you are hundred miles away,

and not knowing things,

it is happiness and sadness at the same time,

i don't know whether to smile or laugh, or to fall back into silent

and cry, 

it is me flying to the moon and back loving you,

and round the universe and back to the feeling you make me,

being caged in, yet I don't mind, alone, 

with you not knowing a thing

yet handsomely make my knees turn to Jelly-O,

it is you, and i don't know if tomorrow would

be a different story,

but today,

it is always you, i want to have the first dance with

under thousand blinking stars, and your favourite song.

maybe, it's in my blood..

it was November,
we were having lunch,
and you wore my favourite shirt,
but your eyes did not meet mine,

it was the end of October,

we had our first batch awesome t-shirt,

you wrote your full name, and

I was shyly;secretly wrote your name and mine

it was somewhere in September,
we were laughing over silly jokes,
and you had that smile i died for,
but your lips were not talking to me,

it was January,
we were having English,
and you sat beside me,
the first day I wondered, was this my first love?

dia cinta pertama,bukan,
mungkin bukan cinta pertama,
yang buatkan hati ; lagu-lagu,
yang buatkan mata ; sinar-sinar,
yang buatkan lidah ; kelu-kelu,
yang buatkan bibir ; kekok-kekok
atau mungkin dia, cinta pertama,
yang buatkan semua ;
lagu-lagu
sinar-sinar
kelu-kelu
kekok-kekok,
aku tak tahu,
kau yang bilang,
dia itu cinta pertama,
aku cuma pensaksi ;
tak milik kata untuk bicara,
kau tak lagu-lagu,
sinar-sinar,
kelu-kelu,
kekok-kekok

until that one day,
that very one day,
that might come,
until that one day,
we will understand,
maybe we still don't,
until that one day,
we look back,
until that one day,
and we regret,
until that one very one day,
and we think ;
before that very one day,
i should just hug you,
on that very one day,
we know, it is too late,
i should just hug you.

people.

they kill you in smile,

kill them back,

upfront, and smile.

why the walking is so silence,

and the run is too loud?

and the end, 

why it is chaotic?