on time and waiting.

let me tell you something about her, and time and waiting.
she was good at waiting, patiently, on not letting the time consumed her feelings.
it was way back, when she was small, she was raised up, to wait, for everything.
let me make it short, the least on scale 0 of  it-was-not-the-worst.
there was one time, nobody was there that she could call for help, she was 13 years old, a young girl trying to adult herself in living life even though all she wanted was for people to treat her as a baby girl, spoiled brat. Of course it was just her dream.She called this person to come and fetch her, and I think that person was busy and asked her to wait, half an hour was the promise. But being her, she knew, it was longer. So there she was, waiting. Hot, sweating, hungry and above all, scared. 11.00 a.m turned to 11.30 a.m, turned to 1 p.m, to 2 p.m, and next hours. She was there,sitting patiently by the side of a busy road and maybe some little very short crying. By almost 7.00 p.m, at last someone was there to get her. Tadaa, happy ending.

So, she is growing up with a mind of don't let others wait for you. She tries her very best, to not let anybody she promised to wait. She tries to make everyone feels important, to set aside their worries, to let them know, she will always there for them if they need her. Anytime.

and the reason why she can get a little crazy (which not that crazy, just some tears coming down and emotions ride on the roller coaster for 15 minutes the longest, shorter if you make a joke about it, she is not that serious).

An hour late could do damage to the smallest part of her heart when earlier you said otherwise, without any solid reasons can make her cry. Damn just like that. I'm confused too. But, for that to happen so many times, you can make her heart break.

Today, her heart broke, she thought she is an important part to others too, but well you guess right, who give a damn. So, she said the only thing she always said, it's okay, and move on. Time will not always be bitter.

my feelings are all over the place.
what is it, this heavy heart?
i want to believe this is the right decision,
i just want to make  my mom happy.

aku nak ada dengan dia saat-saat usia tua dia,
to make her the happiest person.
i can't be selfish , right?

dunia boleh dicari kemudian.

long distance relationship.

i am not sure about this. i can't say much about what distance will do to me, to him, to us.
maybe this is a good thing, maybe this too can be a bad one. all i can do is hope, and try.

New everything is awaiting me on 1 January 2018. Hope Allah will ease everything for me. It's hard, but Allah is with me, so I don't need to be afraid of anything, right? May I be the strongest girl in whatever wave I'll be thrown into. Always remember, to seek Him not only in sadness and miserable, but in easy time and happiness too. New everything and new me. This time, it is on me, change and be better or stay the same and regret who I am in the future.

I can do this. I know I can, it might take the longest time for me to do everything, to change, to adapt, to accept, to welcome things with open heart, but I will be just fine at the end of the day.

You got this, brave girl.

hujung-hujung tahun ni kerja melambak sampai tak tau mana satu nak buat dlu. kalau tangan ad soploh mesti cepat siap. could you imagine we, hooman, be like an octupus? nah sehari settle semua, tapi kalau malas datang, tak siap juga kau jadi octopus pun.

i know i said this so many times before,each year.but i hope 2018 will be here fast.
can't wait to end 2017,leave every bad moments and start fresh.have a list of things i want to do, personal achievement i want to unlock.and one of them might cost me fortune.
May Allah ease everything.

benda nak besok.
tiba2 lappy buat hal.
cantik timing.
aku tak rasa nak hidup dah hari ni.

oh dear.oh dear.

pernah keliru dengan apa yang kita rasa?

today i was happy, as i managed to settle almost everything in the list. so many redundant unnecessary stupid where on hell these come from-workloads.
but at the same time, how i wish, i'm not doing this for the rest of my life.
that waking up every morning to something i hate almost had me dying each time but i need to snap myself, and remind myself over and over again. this is it. have it. own it.work it.

to those who this might concern, especially the young ones.
do what you love. do your dream.
i promise you, you won't live in hell.

but i'm grateful. so much i don't know how to describe it.
to have a job. to be able to pay the bills. to buy things. to give back to my parent.
but something;
something is missing.

checked: 3 out of 10 things need to be done.
i'm just few seconds from being crazy.

tinggal sehari cuti.
kija melambak.
yang kija bertangguh satu hal nak settle.
yang baru minta satu hal nak settle.
yang tah tiba2 dari langit mana turun satu hal.

konklusi:
yang bertangguh tu kalau buat awal tak la rasa seksa sangat now nak kena siap 2 3 4 5 jenis kerja.

padan muka sendiri.

on; young love.

(found this in my draft from last year? looking back of how i feel?)

falling in love is easy. have you heard this?
i think it is.
it's like the first sight of the blue ocean upon waking up during vacation, that feeling when you see the roses bloom in front you for the first time, or maybe that anxiety you feel on your first plane ride. the beginning is my favourite part, everything is made of laugh, smile, knowing and unknowing, and dreams, lots of them.

but, being young, having the world against you, love too could be suffocating enough you cry all night before sleep. having both of you trying to cope with everyday-struggle, trying to catch up with  the dream, trying to make deals, trying to prove people, and in those trying, hoping love would be there to sooth thing out, to show, everything would be okay at the end, that at the end: love doesn't happen as you think, here come another plate of trying you need to make, trying to deal with yourself, love matters above all of its lacking, love matter..love matter..love matter.. you are chanting it.

one day, if you were to meet someone who understand, who will be there even before you drop the first tear, who will be there even before you fall, who knows the deepest sorrow part of yours, keep that person close, it's hard to find one nowadays.

*sigh

it's not too late right?
Selamat Berpuasa semua.

i don't have any energy left for life.

semalam mimp g jepun.


takpala hati, sabar kejap.
i can't travel for awhile.
my mom comes first over traveling.

may Allah ease everything.

god.
i'm dying.
help me help me help me

we can't have everything.
we can't.

sakit.
nak balik rumah.

look at those happy elephants, 

aren't you jealous?

apakah hati?
aku sendiri pun sudah perit mahu memahami.

apa?
apa?
apa?

so i have this little habit lately.
looking at people around me intensely,
like really looking at them and try to discover,
what is it behind that sweet smile, or tired eyes,
kind of searching in their glimpses when they walk if
they are happy.. or maybe sad..or maybe just living the day 
till they meet tomorrow.
and try to look deeper in my routines.
my life. the meaning behind everything.

i kind of stuck. 
it feels like walking on burning fire one second and freezing
to death cold ice the next. 
it's hard. it's hard to tell myself it's going to be okay. . 
sleep is the only thing i know how to stop 
everything from working their ways to poke my sanity.


why does it feel so hard to live...?

read everyone's old posts because i miss the old times.
kind of regretting my decision that i deleted my 
posts in 2009 up to 2011. those were the years that i wrote the most,
almost everyday for three years,
mostly happy memories with new life i just found,
new friends, new best friends, a growing up girl being told in words by herself.
a bright, shiny, all-smile-me wrapped in sunshine.
ohh if i could restore them back.
don't delete guys, don't, no matter how hard you think the 
life crisis of the moment.
now can't peek into that one part of my old self.

my job is killing me. 
nothing joyful about it, nothing exciting.
almost nothingness, numb.
and it kills me, slowly, painfully, boringly. 
i really, really, don't want to sound ungrateful,
when i am nothing else but very much grateful with 
what i have, but... oh god...
i don't know what i'm doing with my life.

missing Malacca a little bit too much today. this was taken last year.
our first trip together, somewhere a little far from our usual.
approximately an hour far. there were a mixture, all sort of feelings, butterflies in one soul for one day trip. 
i want a happy ending, i want to believe in it.
i do, but why..it is hard? 
the whole universe knows how big this love of mine is,
but why can't i believe it?
that i too, deserve one big huge happy life.

I do need to sort my pictures.
Put them in folders.
Rearrange my work.
Start doing them one by one.
Have a break.
Then, continue.

But no,
I'm procrastinating.

rindu zaman maktab.
rindu zaman tak berapa nak cerdik.
rindu zaman konon nak jadi hipster.
rindu pia.
rindu bilik.
rindu every single thing.

seriously, why do my life keep on getting worse?

on love.

it's difficult.
you shouldn't love too much,
as you might not be loved back, and that's..
nothing break you more than this.
 

did i write about my trip during winter last year?
let's just keep it as a good memory.

will be going to Hokkaido soon. again in winter.
this time in real puffy snowy big everywhere-snow season.

pray hard for my bank account. don't die just yet.