seven days are nothing to you,
i guess forever will not be a problem too.

it hurts, again.
but well, we all gotta live our own life.
so yeah, make yourself at home with whatever way you want.

i just started to learn to not mind anything,
it feels just fine, good.

sometimes i wonder how possible it is,
that emotion is something separated from physical.
it is almost like they both are two actual entities that have nothing to do with each other,
it feels like i am the two entities living in one host.
how come my emotional does not effect my physical and how does my physical does not affect my other part. or is it because i feel numb? or is it because i just live without living?sometimes, most of the time, i am impressed with what my mind and my heart are capable of doing.they both are there , battling their own different wars in me, and i am just here, doing the routines.last time, i was damn down emotionally, too much to the extend i feel deeply hurt, deeply isolated and my physical was so fit that i ran quite a mile and took my paper and well did it quite well. truthfully, my body is so much more than what i thought it is. gotta love myself more and more and more.after all, i have only me. better love her the way she deserves it.

it's feel lighter, calm,
less messy when i stop thinking about certain things,
and when i cut certain people from my life.

little did i know thinking only what will benefit myself,
will give such a solidarity and composed emotions.

well people come and go,
myself is the only one that stays through everything.
it's fair enough.

I want to remember today. I want to remember the way I cried today. So, I'm writing this, a memoir, a lesson, a part of my life to revisit to remind my self, no one else matter, nothing else matter but myself.

I think I know who am I today, the one part of me. The part that always end up crying somewhere in the corner, the part that always almost never learnt the lesson, the one part that hardly giving up, the one part that frustrates me almost all the time. This one part of me that always willing to run miles for people, to cross the fire for people whom I love and always there when they need me, when they don't need me. I am letting go of this one part.

It was heartbroken to see my self in the mirror, the swollen eyes, the red nose, the tears. It was almost to being embarrassed of who I am, and how I ended up this way. Be it someone whom I want to spend my life forever, be it my friends whom I thought is forever too, be it someone close whom I can count on, why does at the end, it hurts so much?

So, these questions keep coming to me:

1. Why I care about others when they didn't even have a thought of me?
2. Why put on effort when everything just repeatedly shows how unimportant you are?
3. Why love so hard when no one cares?
4. Why bother trying to be in someone's life when you are always dismissed?
5. Why broke your own heart trying to make people happy?
6. Why can't you stop being there?

And the answer that I got, because people have their own lives to care about than the mere feeling of mine, I'm just a small part of their lives, because all of us are chasing, rushing into something, I am not someone worth the time and effort. It's just how life happens. Thus, I said loudly to myself, don't push away what important to me for others, don't stop what I'm doing for others, don't bother to carry the effort of doing something for others. Stop thinking of others, stop thinking of how it is important to be with them in their high and low. Stop bothering. Live your own life like how others do.

It doesn't matter even if you drive for hours while being sick, if you aren't important, you aren't important. It doesn't matter how many hours of trip you need to have to be there with people you miss, because you aren't the one that need to be there,you being there or you not being there, doesn't change anything. It doesn't matter how hard you cry and need someone at a moment because that someone important to you have another plan. It doesn't matter how you feel, because after all, the one matter is our own feeling. So why bother crying for others? Why bother trying hard with everything? It is our own self that important. I just learn this now, a bit late than others. so, it's okay. Live your life. Try for yourself. Make yourself happy.

Why dismiss yourself for other while they dismiss you without a blink?
You only have yourself, the one who will be there forever.
That kind of love you give to others, should be given to you.

When things happen again in future, the first thing that should come to your mind is yourself.
Do everything for yourself.

I can't wait for 2019.
I'm currently doing some amendment on my life.
But definitely, I'm not looking forward to be a year older.
Time really doesn't stop.
I'm few years shy to 30's.
Oh god.
It does sound so old (gelak sampai nangis).

on new way of thinking

I've been in a lot of discomfort and awkward situations lately.
Either with my partner or with my colleague or with people in my class (I'm taking few courses).
It's just overwhelming how everything comes at the same pace and the same time, are you guys plotting something against me?
(Well, I know this is just my feeling)

So, I just had a very terrible, terrible presentation today despite of ,I took a long time preparing everything but somehow it turned out bad that when I went home I took the longest nap I ever had in my life time.

So upon waking up, in my bed with messy hair and messy mind and scattered heart, I said to myself, no, this is not the end. This should be something I need to work on, be better, keep improving so that at one point later on, I will be really good with my stuff and I will really know what I'm delivering to the audience. I believe everyone is the best, we are competence enough, we understand enough, we are not fighting to be who-are-the-best but we are beating our own capability and ability,  and be the best version of our self.

I know I can do this.

on relationship.

i crossed upon a couple who adore each other. they are pretty much like a bee and a flower.
easy.simple.comfortable. despite they too might have problems of their own.
i have always wishing, longing for that kind of relationship. comfortable. understanding.
but i guess i am a no one to ask or deserve that. as it's getting real hard these days.
it's never about a distance or how much romance you put in it.
it's more about an effort, to keep the relationship going, to keep each other happy.
as fun is fading. as romance is never there at the first place.as love is like a crumple pie. it's an effort.
how enough i should be to deserve an effort?how hard it is to make an effort? it has always been my biggest question.



i think i know the answer.
i think i've always knew the answer.
but im denying myself.

but why at the first place,
you asked me the question.
why did you make me flatter,
when all you have is hesitation.

and im telling myself.
it's okay.
when..really,
it's not.

It is September now, how time flies.
It means , it has been almost 9 months I'm back (for good I hope),
things change in a way I least imagined it before.
Definitely, there are some goods things happened no matter how
much I feel bad about everything.
Too much negativity huh?
Trying myself to beat the norm.
Positivity is a state of mind, and my mind is no where near that,
thus, the struggle is hard.
Working and hoping for a better me soon.

to a future me,

i want you to know that you are strong despite of sleepless nights, despite of emotional baggage that rips off the peace in your soul, that everything is out of place, that everything doesn't do you any favour. i want you to know that you are one hell strong woman. keep it that way.

why it's so difficult?
is it my mind?
or does it my attitude?
why?
why does it need to feel like,
it's easier to kill me than working on it?
why?
what is it that i can't force myself to set my mind to just freaking do it...

Last year (up till today) , I can conclude that what we wanted most , somehow, in most twisted faith, you won't get it, but in another absurd  twisted faith (too), you'll get what you avoid the most. if we viewed this form a positive side, this should teach you the word 'redha',grow you as a person, make you stronger and more-whatever- positive- shit that should come from this , but from the opposite view, FUCK this.

this pull and push thing between us is bad.

trying to float positively when negativity keeps drowning me.
breathe.

adapting.
there are some parts that, difficult.
some are easy.
some, i just don't want to know anymore.

hey 2018,

here to more positivity!
amin
#ihopeso